Many times I just refuse to answer the door, especially if I didn't see them coming. (I don't even like to look through the window to see a could-be-rapist or might-be-scam-artist in case they can see that I'm a petite female and perhaps home alone.)
But, when I do see them coming, I will often answer the door to avoid more ringing of the doorbell, which just drives the dogs bananas and interrupts my television-viewing experience.
Allow me to digress for a moment.
On one occasion, a nice-looking couple stood quietly behind their six or seven-year-old son as he tried to hand me a Jehovah Witness pamphlet and began to ask me something about religion that I was already ignoring. As I politely asserted that we don't accept religious solicitations, the father stepped in to correct me that they are not soliciting, though he didn't offer another explanation. I smiled and said "no thank you" and watched as both parents pulled their son back by his shoulders, away from Satan's butthole, and immediately changed their tone and body language to reflect their anger that I wouldn't at least hear them out. After all, not hearing them out was like punching Jehovah in the nose as they witnessed.On another occasion, it was the middle of the day during the middle of the week when I spotted a group of young women as they piled out of a minivan and disbursed themselves between both sides of the street. I had my usual thought of oh great and made a mental note to check their progress toward my front porch in a few minutes. When I did, I noticed they were slower than I anticipated and immediately saw the reason why. They only had one baby. And that baby was their marketing tool. As women hoping to solicit to stay-at-home moms, they rang each doorbell with a baby in arms and a pamphlet in hand.
Getting tired of the Saturday morning disturbances (and just solicitation in general), I decided to look into posting a No Soliciting sign near our get-the-hint cracked doorbell button -- the doorbell still works. But, when I did an online query about whether or not those signs are effective, I came across the consensus of door-to-door salesman that they are basically trained to ignore those signs on the rationale that people who need those signs have a hard time saying no to your face, so ignore them and make the sale.
That got me thinking about what would work. G and I considered posting something scary like an NRA sticker or a confederate flag in order to appear crazy enough to alert others don't mess with Texas.But, even we find that lie offensive and would cringe if our neighbors saw it before we could explain its frightening purpose. That led me to this great (if I do say so myself) idea:
WARNING:
Please DO NOT knock or ring bell.
MENTALLY ILL person resides here.
For your safety, call ahead to announce your arrival.
If the sign is ignored, imagine how fun it will be to open the door just enough to stick your head out, look around all shifty and whisper with fright, "Are you crazy! Did you read the sign? Ohmygod, this is going to be bad; I gotta go" and slam the door. With our dogs barking in the background, my panicked response, the warning message posted, I would bet our address would be labeled as Do Not Disturb or Avoid.
It's been a couple of months since I thought about the sign, and if VistaPrint weren't having technical issues the day I drafted it, it would be posted right now. But, since it isn't I got to thinking.
Why not participate in the solicitations? Many people, myself included at one point in time, simply wait out the sales pitch and politely accept the pamphlet and pass it on to the trashcan. Perhaps I should start collecting them to keep handy by the front door. That way when the next church comes calling I can bring one of the other pamphlets to the door and ask them why their church, denomination, or religion is better than the one who came by earlier. It will be nice to hear their logic. Imagine being able to flip to page 8 of the Jehovah pamphlet to refute the claims currently being made at the front door. Assuming they're all reading from the Bible, it will be nice to hear how the same words are interpreted differently by each denomination. Not only would it be entertaining, but it would give me better talking points for the next nuts. I could also ask if they offer lower tithing rates, since we ARE in an economic slump of biblical proportions.
Or, I could provide my own Village People pamphlet and solicit the solicitors to agree how the lyrics hold valuable meaning to me and won't they join me in seeing the way.
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| MOUTH BREATHERS |
Nah, I can already tell after writing this that I'm too lazy to really care. But, it's a decent idea!
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