Table for Two

Recently, G and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary at our favorite chain restaurant where, at a table for two, our lazy, American dreams were realized. Before you judge the fact that we celebrated in style at a chain, let me assure you that's it's all class, all the way: 

all you can eat, complete with salad bar and glass-after-glass of complimentary water

Fogo de Chao (pronounced Faux-Go duh-Shown) is a Brazilian Churrascaria, which essentially translates to "steakhouse".  More importantly, it is AMAZING. (There may be one near you)

G and I go whenever we have a good excuse to indulge.  Sure, it can sound lame, as I described it above, but it's a magical place that Ron Swanson would marry if he could.  Not only is it meat, but it's meat served tableside ... on skewers.  And, it doesn't stop until you say so. Hence, our lazy, American dream.

Once seated, you're asked if you've "dined with us before" to ensure you aren't confused about how they work and about your expected participation.

In addition to your silverware, you are provided with a coaster-like card to signal for dinner service.  Flip the card to green, and you are surrounded by gauchos and their luscious skewers.  Flip the card to red, and they pass you by. You're also given special tongs to help grab the meat from the skewers when necessary.

First Course is the Salad Bar

It's filled with decadent cured meats, imported cheeses, Brazilian side dishes, vegetables, and other healthy stuff my arteries turned a blind eye to.  After all, this place is all about the meat. And like any cheap, paranoid all-you-can-eat diner worth her salt, I avoid the unnecessary fillers; "they want you to fill up on that".  

After circling the bar, I returned to our table with my anorexic plate adorned with aged cheeses, prosciutto, and smoked salmon and proceeded to faux pas my way to the second course -- the meats.


Second Course Crashes First Course's Party

You see, instead of waiting for our table to be cleared, new plates to be presented, and our second course offerings brought to the table, I took a few sips of wine and then boldly flipped my card to green, beckoning the gauchos.

While I didn't see the look of horror on our waiter's face (because he's a pro), he certainly rushed his team to complete our table with pão de queijo (warm cheese bread), crispy hot polenta, garlic mashed potatoes and caramelized bananas.

As the first gaucho cut my first slice of Picanha, a prime cut of top sirloin, he did his best not to look disgusted by the incestuous plate sharing I did with my courses.

Bacon wrapped chicken

G soon followed in pursuit of his favorite item, bacon-wrapped chicken.

I actually have no idea if any service staff judged me or not.  It's what makes dining beyond a certain price point so great; no matter how bad your shit stinks, they pretend not to smell it or tell you it smells delightful if you catch them sniffing.

When I ordered a glass of "house red" and not a bottle of 1792 Lafitte les Expensive from Chateau France, I'm sure he assessed my pallet's net taste to be worthless and estimated his tip accordingly.  You know, because if your pallet doesn't have good taste, your wallet won't either.

 
Third Course

While we waited for the dessert menu, our table was cleared, leaving the table cloth to expose our dining filth.  G and I laughed and spoke in French accents to mimic "Henri" from Cheers, saying things like, you are deesgusting and allow me to clean up after ze peegs.  Imagine sauce stains staring back at you from their tablecloth graves. Duz ze baybees need ze bibs?

We decided to split a Tiramisu and I sipped some hot Irish coffee until it was cool enough to guzzle. I was happily buzzed at this point (G was happily sober and prepared to drive home).

On our way out, G happen to catch our waiter looking at his tip.  He was a little embarrassed to be caught, I guess because he thought we'd already left.  And, since G is quite generous, neither of us had a problem looking him in the eye to say goodbye.   He gave us a polite nod of appreciation and all was well with the world.


Next Course

These first two years of our marriage have happily flown by.  We're just as gushy and kissy as we ever were.

He balances me out in all the right ways. I can feel it from within.

In our celebration we broke the rules and had a fantastic time. That's what life is all about. That, and being shamed upon seeing your dirty tablecloth.