The Depression Suite

With my biology, I can reserve a room once I've earned enough boredom points.

Until recently, it had been several years since I felt depressed. That's pretty damn awesome, considering how I suffered throughout most of my life. I still have my moments and my days, but overall I haven't been down too much - certainly not more than a week.

Not having a job can and does take its toll. As much as I hated my last job, it gave me a daily routine, structure, goal, and the various social interactions I needed.

I was in my early twenties when I was finally diagnosed with Dysthymia. It sounds like something you need an inhaler for, but it's just chronic mild depression.  Honestly, it was such a relief to realize I was depressed, because then something could be done about how crappy I had always felt.  And, it was quite the revelation; I never had a clue that my general disinterest in all things and my extreme irritability were red flags.

For a while I took medication. Overall, medication works*.  But, without learning how to be mindful of my cognitive habits toward rumination (giving life to negative thoughts), medication will only work up to a certain degree and for so long.  In fact, it has been shown that placebos work almost as well as antidepressants in treating depression -- except in severe cases.  In general, there is only about a 2% margin of efficacy.

*There is a loss of logic that has happened to me, and to others, when taking antidepressants. The obvious logic (i.e., I feel better, thus the medication is working) goes right out the window and patients will stop taking the medication when it works.  The logic becomes well, I feel better, so I don't need to take it anymore.

Allow me to break the medications (I have taken) down for you in celebrity terms we can all appreciate.

Pretend Monica Cruz is as well known as Penelope 

CELEXA
When my diagnosis landed me a one-way ticket to Jollywood, she was fairly new at the time and considered the it girl of her classification.  Eventually, after several months, she just had too many side effects. The idea that my brain was supposed to mimic her perceived perfection caused a feeling of despair and led to many restless nights and jittery nerves.

LEXAPRO 

When Celexa's younger sister hit the scene, she landed all the major roles. New and improved, she was touted as the girl next door and lacked all of Celexa's issues. Supposedly, she promoted weight loss, but I certainly gained. We all know how unhealthy glamorization is in celebrity pill form. Perhaps I overate to soothe my ego.

"Famous" for being peed on and distracted in sex videos

WELLBUTRIN

I know my doctor told me it was famous for its talent, but I wasn't falling for it.

Since she wasn't the doctor who diagnosed me, I actually had paranoid thoughts that she was tricking me with a placebo in order to find out if I really needed medication. 

It did help me sleep, and I guess it would have helped me stop smoking had I needed to.

The best way to sum it up is worthless. Absolutely worthless. Worthless to all humanity.  Am I still talking about the medication here?

*cough* ----> *cough*

There is a price for trying to hold onto the glory days

PROZAC

Everyone knows her name and many people have used her. She is the poster child for antidepressants.

She worked for me in the beginning; I felt happy and stabilized. Eventually, her cumulative effect caused too many (unnatural) side effects.

I prefer to remember her in those early days. Otherwise, it makes me sad.

ZOLOFT

Maybe there are lingering issues, but battling them can look effortless

Zoloft worked the best. If and when I need help, she's my go-to star. With her, I feel at ease. Problems certainly don't go away, but they aren't something I obsess about when the situation is out of my hands.

Her only bothersome side effect was Cotton Mouth.  (Thankfully, there's a water for that.)  Now, some people experience far more side effects from her than I do.  So be it.  Perhaps they are on team Paxil.  I don't know.  I like her.



AS OF TODAY, I have been able to ward off any long-term depression.  A couple of weeks ago, it hit me that I was in the middle of a bout.  I didn't know I had stepped into the ring, but then the next thing I knew I was expressing frustration and getting punched in the face with tears. It was a good eye-opener, so to speak, because I was then able to pay attention to the fight.

Sitting on the patio when the weather is nice -- getting fresh air -- helps. So does walking and playing with my pups.  I have a dinner with friends planned in a couple of weeks and scheduled a hair appointment for that afternoon, just to give myself that extra boost of self-esteem.  Writing about stuff here helps, as does planning for future goals, such as my mom's summer visit. 

I try hard to be mindful that happiness only occurs in moments, just like sadness; neither will last forever.
 

Contentment is when things are right with the world.  

 
Maintaining a daily, satisfied state of mind is helped by the love I share with my husband, my pets, my family and friends, my home, my writing, and -- perhaps soon -- my return to photography.